Playful conversational riffing is the way to connect

Maya Rossignac-Milon and Erica Boothby, You’re Probably Doing Small Talk Wrong, NYTimes, Sept. 4, 2025.

There’s a moment in human connection that defies easy explanation — that sudden, electric feeling when you meet someone and feel your minds merge. It happened to the two of us when we met at a psychology symposium: Our small talk during a break quickly gave way to playful theories about coffee drinkers versus tea drinkers. We went to find seats together, unaware that this conversation was the start of a decade-long collaboration and friendship.

Where does that spark come from, exactly? What makes someone feel like a lifelong friend after just a couple of minutes? People tend to assume it’s similarity: that they are especially likely to hit it off with someone who shares their background or personality traits.

But in our research, we’ve found that many of the strongest bonds come less from pre-existing similarity and more from riffing playfully. In these moments, people create a little world that belongs just to them, a process we call “building a shared reality.” Collaborative riffs are surprisingly central to our mental well-being: They’re the glue that binds us together, adds color to our lives and gives us a sense of purpose.

And yet, our culture’s conversational rituals revolve not around playful co-creation, but around exchanging formalities.

The art of riffing:

Riffing doesn’t require being naturally funny or witty, just being attentive and embracing spontaneity. Like any conversational skill, it takes practice. When riffing, speakers resist the urge to counter every observation with their own separate example, instead building bridges to new ideas (“That reminds me of. …”) or tossing in a “Can you imagine if …?” They reference earlier parts of the conversation to create inside jokes (“Looking forward to our miniature potluck committee!”).

Riffing isn’t just for new acquaintances. Over time, it creates a feeling of having merged minds and inhabiting a private universe. Patti Smith described her relationship with her late husband as the “silent synchronization of the jewels and gears of a common mind.”

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