Sunday, December 18, 2022

What nuts roasting over what fire?

“Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire” became a massive hit for Nat King Cole in 1946. It was composed by Bob Wells and Mel Tormé:

According to Tormé, the song was written in July 1945[1] during a blistering hot summer. It was in an effort to "stay cool by thinking cool" that the most-performed (according to BMI) Christmas song of all time was born.[2][4][5] "I saw a spiral pad on his (Wells's) piano with four lines written in pencil", Tormé recalled. "They started, 'Chestnuts roasting..., Jack Frost nipping..., Yuletide carols..., Folks dressed up like Eskimos.' Bob didn't think he was writing a song lyric. He said he thought if he could immerse himself in winter he could cool off. Forty minutes later that song was written. I wrote all the music and some of the lyrics."

Don’t believe a word of it. As the saying, truth is stranger than fiction. This is one very strange true story:

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; 'Silent Night, Holy Night.' The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing 'Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.' The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings 'Silent Night.' He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of 'Jingle Bells.'

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing-- 'Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!'

That man was Mel Tormé. I don’t know which of his four wives it was, but it was likely his first because Tormé had been born in 1925, making him 21 when he wrote the song. The song wasn’t written in July, it was written in December when Tormé had a gig in Chicago, or was it Larime at the Cowpoke’s Lounge and Grill? I forget, but it was one of those cold places.

Come to think of it, the parrot should have sued Wells and Tormé for plagiarism. Being a parrot they – Chet's pronoun preference – probably had trouble securing proper legal representation. Though perhaps the change of lyrics – political correctness was a scourge even in 1945 – was enough to squash the beef.

Now there's a phrase, "squash the beef." I wonder what would Groucho would do with that one. Make a stew? He would probably have developed a whole monologue out of it, even a movie.

And Chet's up there – actually, it's more likely down there – anyhow they're turning on their spit.

I'll stop.

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